


Blue Christmas

by jadehqknb



Series: Christmas Any Time [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Christmas, Technically spoilers for chapter 378, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21889489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadehqknb/pseuds/jadehqknb
Summary: Whoever bemoaned or envied the “innocence” of youth and young love didn’t remember the visceral reality of it, didn’t remember the agony of second-guessing every interaction, both given and received, with the object of one’s affection.It’s a reality Kuroo’s been living with for nearly two years of knowing Sawamura, drawn into the wake of his existence, pulled closer no matter his resistance, feeble as it is. They spend a lot of time together, studying, going out to eat, some intramural volleyball which Kuroo aches at the thought of doing without him when Sawamura starts his job. There’s a lot on the line.But he can’t wonder anymore. He can’t spend days and nights locked in a spiral of self-doubt and repetitive hope. It’s time to rip the bandaid off his bleeding heart and either find healing in reciprocation or poison in rejection. Because there’s no coming back from this, one way or the other, everything changes tonight.
Series: Christmas Any Time [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559284
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	Blue Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [audriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/audriel/gifts).



> I didn't want to spoil anything so the tags are limited but just know, this is not my usual happy ending for KuroDai. 
> 
> Merry Christmas Audi, I hope it's to your liking.

From the moment they met, Kuroo knew Sawamura was going to be a problem and not just because of his tenacity or his team who never knew the words “quit” or “die”. Sawamura Daichi is the physical manifestation of a heart condition, mainly an aching one. 

Steady, calm, confident and handsome, Kuroo lost the battle before he was conscious of the war. It wasn’t love at first sight. At best, when their eyes and hands locked that first time, all Kuroo felt was a sense of intrigue mixed with the barest hint of dread because instinct and experience even in one as young as himself picked up on danger signs. 

He just wished he’d listened to the warning bells alongside them. Because that intrigue turned to curiosity which prompted investigation all leading to where he is now: a year after nationals and graduation and beyond infatuation.

He’s in love with Sawamura. 

That or he should get his heart checked but since the ache ranging from dull to piercing in his chest only happens when he sees Sawamura or at this point even thinks about him is a pretty good indicator he’s fine physically. Only, is love supposed to hurt this bad?

Maybe because it’s restrained. Perhaps the ache comes from Kuroo holding all these overwhelming feelings inside. But to release them could cause more pain, as he’s pretty sure Sawamura doesn’t feel the same way about him. So it’s best to just leave things as they are, as friends, right?

He can’t, even when logic deciphers the indications of unrequited love, hope really _does_ spring eternal and it won’t die, won’t even lay quiet. It leaps and bounds and waves a proverbial carrot in Kuroo’s face, always persistently asking: _what if._

What if Sawamura does feel something deeper for him but doesn’t know Kuroo returns them?

What if he’s just as good at hiding his true feelings as Kuroo is (or thinks he is)? 

What if he’s missing seconds, minutes, days and years filled with the potential to hold, kiss and love Sawamura as he’s longed to since he was 18? Whoever bemoaned or envied the “innocence” of youth and young love didn’t remember the visceral reality of it, didn’t remember the agony of second-guessing every interaction, both given and received, with the object of one’s affection. 

It’s a reality Kuroo’s been living with for nearly two years of knowing Sawamura, drawn into the wake of his existence, pulled closer no matter his resistance, feeble as it is. They spend a lot of time together, studying, going out to eat, some intramural volleyball which Kuroo aches at the thought of doing without him when Sawamura starts his job. There’s a lot on the line. 

But he can’t wonder anymore. He can’t spend days and nights locked in a spiral of self-doubt and repetitive hope. It’s time to rip the bandaid off his bleeding heart and either find healing in reciprocation or poison in rejection. Because there’s no coming back from this, one way or the other, everything changes tonight. 

Tonight he’s going to confess. 

It’s probably the worst time to do it, with Sawamura heading back to Miyagi for the holidays before applying to a station, but as much as Kuroo is being brave, he’s still a bit of a coward. This way, he reasons, if Sawamura doesn’t return his feelings, there’s a built in distancing for Kuroo to lick his wounds in or if they are returned, well, it’s only a couple weeks apart.

It’s hot in the room filled with people gathered for an impromptu Christmas party, one last hurrah before a few of them really begin their adulthood. Not that students aren’t adults, just a bit less so it seems somehow. Sawamura came to Tokyo as a student but decided academics weren’t for him and switched to the police academy. No one was surprised when he got in and finished with top marks.

He’s here tonight, talking and laughing with various people as they flit in and out of the crowded private party room rented by Kuroo doesn’t know who, and Kuroo can’t take his eyes off him, is surprised Sawamura hasn’t caught on to his staring. 

Or maybe he knows and just doesn’t care. That thought stings, draws Kuroo up against the very real probability that this is going to blow up in his face. It shakes his resolve for a moment but he fights against the fear of rejection recalling to himself for what feels like the millionth time that always wondering will torment him more than whatever happens after he tells Sawamura the truth. 

He’s just about to walk across the room and ask Sawamura to step outside with him (“Let’s get some fresh air, it’s stifling in here”) when he sees him pull out his phone. The look on his face is breathtaking and Kuroo knows that if he were ever fortunate enough to catch that smile head-on, it would probably burn his retinas. What could possibly make Sawamura _that_ happy? Excited? Joyful? He puts his phone away again, looking up and around the room until his eyes land on Kuroo and he stops, his smile still bright. 

This isn’t good for Kuroo’s heart. 

“Kuroo! Could you walk with me to the station tonight?” he calls.

“Yeah!” Kuroo replies without hesitation. Ok, so not what he had planned but maybe better? Maybe worse? He looks at the time on his phone; barely two hours until Sawamura goes home. 

He spends the remainder of that time by Sawamura’s side, trying to follow the conversation but continually lost in his own thoughts of what’s about to happen. 

In what feels like no time at all, they’re headed to the station, a bitter cold wind stinging against their skin. Sawamura shivers against it and Kuroo nearly draws him close for warmth but stops himself just in time; they’ve never really been on those terms. His fault, not Sawamura’s. No, Sawamura is very affectionate with his friends, a fact that Kuroo wishes didn’t make him as jealous as it does and if things _do_ go in his favor tonight he’ll have to work on that. But for now he just needs to focus on actually saying the words. 

They reach the station having walked in near silence but for them it’s not uncomfortable, a fact Kuroo has been thankful for all this time, that for all the turmoil in his own person, they’ve still managed to become really good friends and he does, he really does, cherish it. He just wants more if it’s available. 

There are a good twenty minutes to go before Sawamura’s train arrives and Kuroo is doing inner calculations on the best time to confess so they’ll have minimal awkwardness if he’s rejected and maximum hugging (possible kissing) time if he’s accepted. 

But Sawamura beats him to breaking the silence. “Thanks for coming with me tonight, I really appreciate it.” Sawamura smiles as he turns to look up at Kuroo and some of that same radiant happiness from earlier in the night shows through. “I should feel bad, doing this now when I’m just about to leave, but I couldn’t wait until I came back to tell you.” He pauses and Kuroo is dying inside because he can’t help hoping this is what he thinks it is. 

“You’re my best friend, Kuroo, at least, my best Tokyo friend. Koushi would kill me if he ever lost his spot.” He laughs and Kuroo forces one to echo it but he really just wishes Sawamura would get on with the revelation so he doesn’t have to feel like his heart is in a vice. “But you were the first person I wanted to tell.” His eyes meet Kuroo’s as he rushes out, “I just found out I was accepted to the Miyagi station. I have a job back at home!” Kuroo’s pretty sure he can hear his heart breaking and is surprised the pops and cracks aren’t loud enough that Sawamura can hear them too. “I know it’s sudden and I should have talked to you sooner, but I just didn’t want to jinx it. Getting a position in a smaller area like that is harder than it sounds but it’s a perfect fit and I…” 

He stops, looks up at Kuroo and takes his hand giving it a tremendous squeeze. “I really missed home, Kuroo. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved my time here, met some really great people, made good memories, but… Tokyo isn’t home. Plus my mom is getting on in age and needs someone to help watch over the brats and Ukai said I’d be welcome to stop by anytime and see how the crows fly.” 

He laughs and the sound that usually fills Kuroo with so much happiness sounds harsh and cruel now. It hurts, it hurts so much to know that Sawamura hasn’t been happy in Tokyo, hasn’t been happy with _him_ , has been wanting to go back home and never confided that to him, his “best friend”. 

“Kuroo? Are you ok?” Sawamura asks, pulling Kuroo out of his spiral. 

He really looks at him then, at his face once so full of joy now etched in concern for him because he hasn’t said a word since Sawamura stopped talking. He swallows the wealth of knots choking his throat. No, he is very much _not_ ok but he can’t blame Sawamura for following his heart, not when Kuroo was so willing seconds before now to follow his. 

“I’m sorry… I should have talked to you but I—”

“It’s fine,” Kuroo cuts in, barely choking back a sob as tears sting his eyes. “Sorry, just… kind of a shock, ya know?” 

Sawamura looks doubtful, his hand still in Kuroo’s and he squeezes again. “Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d get in but sometimes you just have to go for the long shot, right? Even if you miss.” 

Kuroo returns the squeeze though his grip is feeble at best. Numbness sets in that has nothing to do with the cold and he wonders if it’s his body’s way of protecting him from doing something stupid like jump into the path of an oncoming train because the ache has settled in and it isn’t going to leave any time soon. 

He can’t help asking, “Are you coming back… after the holidays, I mean?” 

“Yeah, I have to pack up my apartment and have more people to say goodbye to.” 

The announcer overhead blares out the impending arrival of Sawamura’s train. “Well, that’s me.” He turns to Kuroo, arms outstretched. “I know you’re not really a hugging type guy, Kuroo, but,” he shrugs, giving a sad grin.

It’s a terrible idea but Kuroo goes to him anyway, wrapping his arms around Sawamura and squeezing tightly. He can feel the tears coming and only hopes he can hide them long enough that Sawamura doesn’t see. The shorter male clings back tightly and Kuroo wonders what’s going on in his mind. “I’ll miss you, S’mura,” he mumbles into the fur lining of his coat.

Sawamura pats his back. “I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll be back one more time and we’ll stay in touch after I leave, yeah? This isn’t the end of us.”

 _Us._ God that hurts. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kuroo agrees quietly. The train pulls in and comes to a stop and he pulls away, covering his face and turning away as Sawamura makes his way onto it. Kuroo can’t bring himself to watch the man he loves be whisked away out of his reach and with a heavy heart, and cold tears against his cheeks, he slowly walks back to his apartment which, upon entry to, promptly throws himself onto his bed and sobs his heart out.

A few years later… 

Daichi wasn’t wrong when he told Kuroo his leaving wouldn’t be the end of them. They’ve managed to stay in touch, texting and skyping with the occasional visit to each other’s homes, their friendship deepening despite the distance and busyness between them. So close, in fact, Daichi’s fairly certain the feelings he has are what he thought, he just wasn’t sure then. 

He cares for Kuroo, deeply. Maybe even loves him, but he’s never been in love before so he can’t be sure. He only knows he wants to find out once and for all. Guilt still rears its head when he thinks back to that night on the platform when he dumped on Kuroo so suddenly the revelation he wouldn’t be staying in Tokyo. But he was scared, scared of what it would do to them if Kuroo had confessed then, when Daichi wasn’t ready, wasn’t _sure_ , wasn’t able to reciprocate. It just felt easier to keep the status quo. 

He’s an asshole and he knows it. Kuroo’s face betrayed all his feelings, but Daichi chose to play dumb for the sake of his own comfort, deluding himself that it was the best for both of them. How could he be so selfish? 

So now, on the train back to Tokyo for a Christmas reunion, he’s resolved to tell Kuroo the truth and apologize for the agony he caused, beg his forgiveness and, only if he’s lucky, find he’s not too late to make up for it. 

His train arrives and he all but jumps from its doors as they open, hurrying through the crowd looking for that familiar bedhead. 

“Sawamura-san?” 

The deep voice near him makes Daichi startle but as he turns around and looks up he’s surprised to find himself staring into the familiar and ever stoic face of Ushijima Wakatoshi. 

“Ushijima-san! Wow, it’s been a while, how are you?” Daichi asks, extending his hand. 

Ushijima takes it in a firm grip, shaking. “I have been well, and you?” 

“Can’t complain too much, I guess.” He pauses, eyes still searching around. “Sorry, I’m just looking for—” He stops as Kuroo comes into view looking devastatingly handsome in his well-cut suit. They’d opted for a fancier restaurant since they were all successful professionals in their various fields. 

Kuroo gives that sharp grin and it twists Daichi’s insides up in knots. He’s just about to give a greeting when he’s stopped from speaking yet again as Kuroo takes Ushijima’s hand in a very much not friendly manner. “Hey Sawamura, good to see you. Sorry, I had to step away for a call, I’m glad Toshi found you.” 

_Toshi._

”This is a surprise,” Daichi says trying not to let his shock and hurt show. Why didn’t Kuroo tell him?

Kuroo actually blushes, his eyes soft as he smiles and the look is unfairly beautiful. “Yeah, well, it wasn’t a sure thing, and I didn’t want to jinx it. Toshi finally put me out of my misery a couple days ago and well,” he shrugs, “I wanted to surprise you, I guess.” 

Daichi swallows against a dry throat and forces a grin on his face, extending his hand. “Mission accomplished. Congratulations.”

Kuroo barks out a laugh then asks, “What’s this? I thought you were a hugger, S’mura.” He pulls him into his arms in a deep embrace and Daichi nearly chokes on the wealth of emotions stirring in his chest. 

He’s too late and he has no one but himself to blame. 


End file.
